


Of Red Regrets

by The_Pocky_Princess



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Sorry Not Sorry, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-03
Updated: 2014-11-03
Packaged: 2018-02-24 00:43:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2561783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Pocky_Princess/pseuds/The_Pocky_Princess
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I'm a horrible person to Bertholdt.<br/>if you're not my roleplayer you don't understand. this has /nothing/ on what I do to the poor boy.<br/>But I love him. :')</p><p>Warnings for potential triggers with self harm and such things, this is heavily based on unrequited love ect. :') Kill me later if you must.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Of Red Regrets

It all would seem such a blur.  
The bustle of University life, so many parties and classes, so many elctures and social hitch-ups. All the gossiping girls and busking guys, so much happiness and so much movement in the social circles. For so many, it was freedom from the tightness of traditional education in the schools they had passed from, for others, it was just another reason to reflect badly on themself.

 

Bertholdt never really fitted in anywhere he went. There was no person to tall and lanky, no person so painfully shy it was difficult to tell if he had a voice at all, no person that seemed to understand and read him for every word in his life...  
Not even his beloved dorm mate could do that for him.

He adored that boy, reiner. one of the more jock-like guys in their Uni. Always out on the sports pitches or in the gym, but damn he could flip a few things in a pan and make taste-bud heaven. The person that would spend weekends with Bertholdt, curled up in Reiner's room on the bed, wrapped in blankets and waiting for the next scare of a horror movie, or snickering away at a comedy...

Those times were the only highlights he saw nowadays.

But even those seemed to flicker away. He hadn't had one of those precious nights in so long, several months now. He'd felt that alone before, felt the stinging emptiness of watching others move away and circulate into the other social circles... It happened to many times before.

 

he had wished that had never happened for him and Reiner, he meant so much to him. And the jock would never know.

He never went into Bertholdts room. he was protective, would guard the door if he had to, do anything to stop the blonde coming in. What if he found his secrets?

 

In the truth; the sadness and dire loneliness had also been an issue. Ever since teen years hit, he felt so distanced and singular. So unique that it couldn't be called a natural thing anymore, when the names started to stick and only hammered further into him, when the voices wouldn't stop echoing for nights on end, wouldn't stop torturing a mind trying to find night-long peace...

The lines had started.

one by one. It started on a weekend, just one. With a little metal scrap. Just to see what this 'cutting' business was. It wasn't what he really fancied at first, but as things got steadily worse, as he lost any person to talk to, it became an addiction. A lifeline, more lines began to come along. Now long into the hundreds, decorating up to his skinny elbows, all angles of his arm. They started high up, to be covered. Now so close to the base of his hands, he purposely bought sweaters a size too large, just to cover the evidence.

Not even Reiner knew. He didn't know the scars decorated his stomach too, or his thighs. he knew nothing.

But then... He didn't know of Bertholdt's affections either.

The ache of his heart when the other had to leave for a class and Bertholdt had to wait it out all day to see him in the evening again, or when he goes out with friends. The painful pang of guilt for not being brave enough to even ask to hang out properly, outside of their room.

 

He had pondered this so many times. Why was he so stupid?

 

The answer was one he didn't know. But it came back, why was he so stupid?

Why did he have to get so addicted to his blades? Why?  
Why did they have to be his back, because reiner didn't know of the pain and the guilt that buit up in someone so dreadfully alone that they were in constant agony?

He didn't know the answer really,  
But laying against the side of his bed, blaze left against the rug beside him and a hand clamped over one wrist... His face didn't contort into pain or anger.

But remained flat and empty- a speechless face. One of realization and a sense of weightlessness. Was this what people called the light at the end of the tunnel?

But in the end did he want to leave?

This was all such a mistake, his heartbeat raced so hard, but now he could hardly feel it. The ligth flickered out into a sudden darkness, growing in the distance of his vision, taking over the doorway of his half-shut room.

He hadn't even heard the shouting of his name in the main room. He hadn't noticed the time of this mis-fitted practice.

He hadn't noticed just how deep he had severed himself...

But he did notice the figure of someone special and dire to him running in a slower space, reaching for him, shouting things that reached mute ears. Was he dreaming?

Everything simply faded, but there was a scream of pain, a name written in tears and written in regret and fear and terror. One he had hoped would never sound like that. 

"Bertholdt!"

Hot collided with the cold, trying to support a ragdoll of what was such a lonely boy, lost in such a large and scary world. Supported by his only light, a light of pain and of regret. Where hands covered in the pouring red, the pain faded away from bertholdt, the knowing of the pains and the terrors of this world poured away with all his worries.

For the other...the terrors only poured into him. Hands on a phone and hands pressing a wound shut, screaming for anyone, anything to save them both.

They were eachothers light.

'I'm sorry...Reiner...I've been a fool...Forgive me.'


End file.
